Mr. Sarcastic Beard Wash

"Because your beard is filthy and no whiskey doesn't count as hygiene."

Let’s face it: your beard has seen things. That kebab from three nights ago? Still in there. The mysterious whiff of campfire and regret? That’s not “earthy musk,” it’s just gross. But don’t worry Mr. Sarcastic Beard Wash is here to rescue your face forest from becoming a wildlife sanctuary.

Formulated with a “clean enough to notice” blend of sarcasm, spite and actual cleansing agents, this wash will strip the grime while leaving your dignity mostly intact. It’s like soap but for men who pretend regular soap is “too mainstream.”

Features include:

• Smells like success, with top notes of sandalwood and subtle hints of “I definitely don’t use my girlfriend’s conditioner.”

• Lathers faster than your excuses for not washing it sooner.

• Leaves your beard softer than your emotional range (don’t worry, we won’t tell anyone).

So go ahead. Lather up. Scrub like you mean it. Pretend you're doing something heroic because nothing says "alpha male" like finally removing that crusted bacon grease from your chin curtain.

Mr. Sarcastic Beard Wash — Because even legends need to rinse off the shame.